i always get sick when i have to see people in real life.
my mental and physical health are very closely linked.
i saw a person today that i really enjoy spending time with - she came to my house - last time i left the house i had a panic attack - that was after seeing 12 years a slave. i’ll keep working at leaving the house.for now - visits at my place and skyping are the way.
as she left i could feel my stomach rolling, a fever was coming over me. i hugged her goodbye and then rushed to the bathroom where both ends of me erupted. gross i know - sorry.
i was really rather sick and after an hour of vomiting and pooing, i had a shower and fell asleep on the lounge, had a terrible nightmare and awoke with a pounding heart feeling exhausted and bleary-eyed.
i could feel my stomach still turning and i just started to talk to myself, softly and reassuringly:
"it’s ok body, it’s ok. you’ve been doing a really good job. you’ve been carrying me and my shot for years, and you’re still doing it."
i started to rub parts of me that were hurting, and i didn’t really know what i was gonna say net, but i kept on going anyway:
"you’ve worked hard and i know how bad you feel that you have such a huge response to seeing people, i can feel it. but it’s ok - we’ll take the time needed to get through this. and i want you to know that this doesn’t mean that we won’t travel the world or do the things we want - i don’t want you to have the weight of the world on you like that. and if you never get better an you’re always like this - that’s fine too - you;’re perfectly fine the way you are. for travel, we’ll just have to take it really slow and put in rest days for getting sick - and that’s fine - you’re important to me and i want to help you out, especially because you’ve been doing such a good job for me all this time. you’re really doing a great job"
and then out of the blue and totally unexpected
"and i love you."
silence. tears form in my eyes - this is the first time i have even come close to thinking this about my body - and there it was just like that.
so sobbing i grab myself and give myself a big hug, i end up kissing my forearm because it’s the closest part to my mouth and i want to give me a kiss. i am holding on very tight to myself. and i feel ok for a moment. just a moment. i feel at peace.
and then the horrible aching hollow centre of me makes itself known again, but i am ok, i know it’s there, i know the rage is there too, and i know that i’ll have moments of self hate again…. marathons of self hate. i know it’s all still there.
but now i have this moment too. and i needed to write it down so i wouldn’t forget it.