let's start with a trigger warning for all things rape, incest, child rape.

childhood incest / rape survivor. it started at age 4. this blog is a kind of self therapy.
i suffered through mental, physical, emotional and sexual abuse.
i was not safe in my own home when growing up. i had three abusers who were all over a decade older than me and no one to help me. i was utterly alone.
my default setting is feeling isolated and grey.

ptsd sufferer. trauma bonded to parents.

open to asks.
Background Illustrations provided by: http://edison.rutgers.edu/

i always get sick when i have to see people in real life. 

my mental and physical health are very closely linked. 

i saw a person today that i really enjoy spending time with - she came to my house - last time i left the house i had a panic attack - that was after seeing 12 years a slave.  i’ll keep working at leaving the house.for now - visits at my place and skyping are the way.

as she left i could feel my stomach rolling, a fever was coming over me.  i hugged her goodbye and then rushed to the bathroom where both ends of me erupted.  gross i know - sorry. 

i was really rather sick and after an hour of vomiting and pooing, i had a shower and fell asleep on the lounge, had a terrible nightmare and awoke with a pounding heart feeling exhausted and bleary-eyed. 

i could feel my stomach still turning and i just started to talk to myself, softly and reassuringly:

"it’s ok body, it’s ok.  you’ve been doing a really good job.  you’ve been carrying me and my shot for years, and you’re still doing it."

i started to rub parts of me that were hurting, and i didn’t really know what i was gonna say net, but i kept on going anyway:

"you’ve worked hard and i know how bad you feel that you have such a huge response to seeing people, i can feel it.  but it’s ok - we’ll take the time needed to get through this. and i want you to know that this doesn’t mean that we won’t travel the world or do the things we want - i don’t want you to have the weight of the world on you like that.  and if you never get better an you’re always like this - that’s fine too - you;’re perfectly fine the way you are.  for travel, we’ll just have to take it really slow and put in rest days for getting sick - and that’s fine - you’re important to me and i want to help you out, especially because you’ve been doing such a good job for me all this time.  you’re really doing a great job"

and then out of the blue and totally unexpected

"and i love you."

silence.  tears form in my eyes - this is the first time i have even come close to thinking this about my body - and there it was just like that. 

so sobbing i grab myself and give myself a big hug, i end up kissing my forearm because it’s the closest part to my mouth and i want to give me a kiss. i am holding on very tight to myself.  and i feel ok for a moment.  just a moment.  i feel at peace. 

and then the horrible aching hollow centre of me makes itself known again, but i am ok, i know it’s there, i know the rage is there too, and i know that i’ll have moments of self hate again…. marathons of self hate.  i know it’s all still there.

but now i have this moment too.  and i needed to write it down so i wouldn’t forget it. 

so much of my life has been about the betrayal.

that they both knew and did nothing. 

now what?

what if he didn’t know?

he always talks about how i was raised.  i have so often wanted to say to him - you didn’t raise me.  j did. 

i feel like asking him questions about that time and what he knew.  but how will i know he is telling the truth?

sexxxisbeautiful:

jackthevulture:

throneroom-of-the-damned:

Body Positivity for the win.

9 out of 16 are WoC from 9 different nationalities - Spanish, Native American, Middle Eastern, Greek, Hawaiian, South African, Indian, African-American and Chinese.

Even the “white” people don’t all come from the same place - French, Irish, American, Scottish, German, and English.

I’m really sorry if I left out YOUR nationality or YOUR body type, but if I kept going to include every single possible woman in the world I’d never have time for sleep or school work.

holy crap you got everyone

I really like this, i started at the beginning in closeup, and every time i clicked there was something new and towards the end, i was seeing bodies id never seen represented

yea this is seriously great! i hereby dub it the most beautifully inclusive actual representation of body positivity i’ve seen illustrated yet.

upallnightogetloki:

whatalovelywaytodie:

feministcaptainmorgan:

I hate having to over validate what I say.

Even down to our basic fucking emotions… We have to explain why we feel that way every time. Any time I am angry, any time I feel neglected or hurt. I have to explain and validate WHY I feel that way. When boyfriends, family, friends… when they say they are angry or hurt, they aren’t questioned. Their emotions are accepted as a reality and as valid. They are allowed to want and need and expect, but I have to validate my desires and I fucking hate being a woman sometimes because I’m so fucking tired of that being the response to my emotional needs.

^^^^^^^

Reblogged from foolishwriter  83,353 notes

snowyfir:

i hate the whole oppression works both way thing because like

for instance

if you go up to your boss and say “YOURE A FUCKING ASSHOLE. YOURE FIRED!!” nothing happens to your boss because you’re not in a position to do anything to her like that. if she goes “NO, YOURE FIRED.” then you’re out on your ass and unemployed. you both said the same thing, but its effects were COMPLETELY different, because of the POSITIONS OF POWER.